5 Tips for Eating at a Restaurant Alone
I have heard the dreaded words so many times (well…before COVID). I walk into a restaurant and approach the welcoming host with a smile on my face. I glance at his gold name tag saying “Parker” and ask, “Can I have a table?” Parker looks to see if any straggler companions of mine are coming through the door, sees no one, and then asks the terrifying question:
“Are you alone?”
The thoughts stream through my head:
“Yes, Parker, I’m single and alone.”
“Yes, Parker, I couldn’t find a single friend to hang out with me tonight, and I needed to eat, but I’m too exhausted to cook my own meal so I came here alone.”
“Yes I am alone, but I promise it’s not because there is something wrong with me.”
Instead of answering with one of my thoughts, I smile and say “yes”. Then Parker leads me to a table that was prepared for two and awkwardly takes away my non-existent companion’s menu and dishes so I can once again be reminded of the abnormality of coming alone. As I choose my food, I glance over the menu wondering if all the couples, families, and friends are judging me for being alone.
Going places alone can feel very uncomfortable. We live in a society where from the time we are little, eating is a community event. We eat as kids with our families, and then with our friends at school, so it feels strange to eat all by ourselves.
I used to avoid going to restaurants. I would much rather order take-out and eat my Italian food at home with a glass of wine while watching Downton Abbey with my cat, than feel like the only person eating by themselves in a restaurant.
But then, I began traveling for work alone (before COVID) and I had a choice: Either I could get take-out and eat in the safety of my hotel room every night with nothing to do besides watch tv shows in French or German , or I could be brave and venture out to brand new places in cities and states and countries I had never been before. The potential for adventure outweighed my fear of being alone.
At first, I felt uncomfortable, but the places I went, food I enjoyed, and even people I spoke to assured me that overcoming my fear was worth it. At first I had the excuse that “I’m traveling alone for work, so there is no way I could be with anyone” but as I came home, I started applying the lessons I learned to feel comfortable eating alone while traveling to being comfortable where I lived.
Here are the things I learned that allow me to fully enjoy going out alone:
1) PEOPLE AREN’T JUDGING YOU (AND IF THEY ARE, THAT’S THEIR PROBLEM)
For the longest time, I was so self-conscious that people were judging me for being alone. Then I realized something, when is the last time that I noticed someone else was alone at a restaurant? Or can I even describe three people who were at the last restaurant I was at? No. That is not only because I have a bad memory. That is because I fall victim to what psychologists call the “Spotlight Effect”. In the spotlight effect you think that people are watching you more than they actually are.
There was a study done regarding the Spotlight Effect, where college students were asked to put on a T-shirt with an embarrassing band blown up on the front of the T-shirt (I’m not going to call out any bands here, but I’m sure you have one in mind). The college student with the embarrassing T-shirt had to walk into a room full of other college students. When asked how many people they thought noticed their T-shirt, they would say that nearly half noticed, but in reality the study showed the number of students who noticed the shirt was closer to 20%. It’s easy to think people are noticing the thing we are embarrassed about, but in reality people are usually in their own world not noticing our world.
2) USE THIS TIME TO GET TO KNOW YOURSELF
The Danes and Norwegians use the word “Hygge” to describe enjoying the good things in life, coziness, comfort, and I’m pretty sure it would be the word used to describe snuggling with a bunch of puppies in front of a fireplace while drinking hot chocolate. One of my friends gave me the Hygge Game which is full of “cozy conversation” questions. The game asks questions including “Who is the most interesting person you have ever met?” “If you could only have one app on your phone, what would it be?” and “What city really exceeded your expectations the first time you visited it?”
In the modern world, we find so much value and purpose in being busy with everything from work to people to just scrolling on our phones any free moment we get. As a result, it is hard to take the time to really check in with ourselves, explore who we are, and understand how we have been feeling.
Next time you go out to eat alone, take the time to get to know yourself. You can find lists of fun questions like the Hygge Game, you can dive deeper into day dreaming about your dreams and goals, or check in with yourself emotionally (ask yourself question like “what is the last thing that made me upset, angry, happy, and why?”).
Spending this time checking in on yourself will help your brain unwind and relax, especially as you enjoy the triple chocolate fudge cake with a glass of wine.
3) COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
There is a mother out there who has three kids climbing all over her, She can’t sleep. She can’t shower. And she can’t even have 5 minutes to herself without a kid needing to be attached to her. What this tired mother wouldn’t give to just be alone for a meal and hear her own thoughts for once. You have that blessing.
4) BE OPEN TO ADVENTURES
If you are more on the extroverted side and want to make connections with people when you go to a restaurant alone, trying sitting at the bar, get to know your server, or talk to the people around you.
The very first time I went to a movie by myself, I was so nervous and felt so awkward about it that I’m surprised I made it to the theater. I was going to a one-time showing at a film festival that no one in my life was interested in or able to come so I went alone. As I waited in line for a ticket, there was an older woman next to me who was also alone. Somehow, we started talking to each other. As we waited we talked about our careers and lives. I was insanely impressed with this woman. She was a breast surgeon and told me about her job in fighting breast cancer, school, family and so many interesting things! When we got to the ticket counter she payed for my ticket, asked me to sit by her, and then also paid for my dinner. It was a phenomenal night! As we parted she said, “I’m going to tell my husband that you were a male and about a foot and a half taller.”
If you challenge yourself to go out alone, you never know what is going to happen!
5) REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE
It’s hard not to imagine how nice it would be to have a significant other if you go to a restaurant alone and see lots of couples smiling and talking (or on their phones and not communicating at all…).
But remember the truth: It is impossible for you to go to a restaurant alone because God is always with you. I know that sounds cliche but think about it: God knows how you feel about going out to eat by yourself, and he truly and deeply cares about how you feel about that experience. Just like when Jesus wept at Lazarus death (even though Jesus knew Lazarus wouldn’t be dead for long) Jesus suffered with those around him, and he is feeling your pain and suffering with you. But unlike a friend or significant other that empathizes with us, Jesus has ultimate power so he PROMISES he will use your circumstances for your good. He will use your aloneness for your good. And when you are up in heaven in the glory of his presence, I think you will be able to understand just how he worked all of those painful and difficult experiences out for your good.
So breathe. Relax. Enjoy this time. Enjoy this meal. Your time alone is all part of God’s plan. You can either freak out and feel weird about it or you can enjoy your honey-cheese bread knowing that the most powerful being in the entire universe is working for your best interests.
With LOVe,
Hannah Schermerhorn